Funk

No, this is not a post about music; rather, it is a post about a state of being.  The state of my being. I am in a funk.  Well, more truthfully I am clawing my way out of this funk, which is why I can actually write about it.  When in the funk there is not a lot of writing that can be done.  Breathing is a chore when in the funk and my whole physical and existential self hurts.

I have learned over the last two years that being in a funk while married is a totally different thing then when alone.  You can’t hide. You can’t not talk about it.  You can’t avoid life completely and just be in your funk.

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Only when really upset do I feel like vomiting (or that time I gave myself food poisoning and ended up vomiting in the bathroom while my husband was showering. Sorry about that one, dearest). Being in a funk generally does not coincide with being really upset, but somehow this picture of a vomit bowl which took in Singapore seemed appropriate. Plus I just found it today and it amused me. Amusing things while stuck in the middle of funk happen to be good.

 

Truthfully things aren’t that bad.  I am no longer in Singapore –  major plus.  However my darling husband is still there – GIGANTIC minus.  Next week I will be starting a new job – currently feeling neutral on this.  Super happy to be working, getting paid, and once again having benefits in the US, but this job is definitely not quite what I want to be doing a year post-Ph.D.  Still, getting paid counts for a lot, so I am lucky to have a job.  This job will allow us to once again purchase a home in a city we love.  So yes, this job does count and I am lucky.

But still, I wrestle with things. I am trying to figure out how to move forward professionally.  I love being an academic.  The balance of teaching and research is ideal for me.  I find the classroom to be an inspiring place, and I find research work to be like slipping into a really thick mud-bath.  It is viscous and heavy and you sink in and settle there for a while.  And when you finally emerge something has been pulled from you.  It is refreshing but also messy beyond belief.

Last in Singapore my work was all research, and for a host of reasons really not related to the work at all I was miserable.  This year now back in the US is going to all teaching.  I am excited to be interacting with people again on a regular basis.  (I know, that may not sound like a big deal, but when you are cross eyed from data sets, it is.)

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About OneGoneTwo

bioethicist, cultural studies, literature, and visual cultural scholar, writer, and lover of design
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