No, this is not a post about music; rather, it is a post about a state of being. The state of my being. I am in a funk. Well, more truthfully I am clawing my way out of this funk, which is why I can actually write about it. When in the funk there is not a lot of writing that can be done. Breathing is a chore when in the funk and my whole physical and existential self hurts.
I have learned over the last two years that being in a funk while married is a totally different thing then when alone. You can’t hide. You can’t not talk about it. You can’t avoid life completely and just be in your funk.
Truthfully things aren’t that bad. I am no longer in Singapore – major plus. However my darling husband is still there – GIGANTIC minus. Next week I will be starting a new job – currently feeling neutral on this. Super happy to be working, getting paid, and once again having benefits in the US, but this job is definitely not quite what I want to be doing a year post-Ph.D. Still, getting paid counts for a lot, so I am lucky to have a job. This job will allow us to once again purchase a home in a city we love. So yes, this job does count and I am lucky.
But still, I wrestle with things. I am trying to figure out how to move forward professionally. I love being an academic. The balance of teaching and research is ideal for me. I find the classroom to be an inspiring place, and I find research work to be like slipping into a really thick mud-bath. It is viscous and heavy and you sink in and settle there for a while. And when you finally emerge something has been pulled from you. It is refreshing but also messy beyond belief.
Last in Singapore my work was all research, and for a host of reasons really not related to the work at all I was miserable. This year now back in the US is going to all teaching. I am excited to be interacting with people again on a regular basis. (I know, that may not sound like a big deal, but when you are cross eyed from data sets, it is.)