seven months of silence

I realize that it has been quiet here for a while now.  The silence in a way sort of stems from that adage, “if you don’t have anything nice to say…”  Well, yeah, I have not had much that is nice to say about the experience of living in Singapore. I am feeling pretty darn beaten up by this adventure.   I love my husband, the apartment is good, but I am so over this country.

P and I are fine.  I love, love, love my husband.  In fact, I am really and truly wowed when I think about how much we have grown this year and all that we have experienced together.  It was at this time last year that we had just gotten back from our first trip to South East Asia — little did we know then that we would be moving to Singapore in a few short months.  P is awesome and I am so very glad that I was crazy enough to say yes to giving a relationship with him a chance when he issued me a crazy ultimatum.  But wow, Singapore has really done a number on me.

I am wanting to get back to writing, back to sharing, back to communicating with the outside world because I think and really truly hope that doing so will help me out a bit.  For many, many months now I’ve kept quiet hoping that the feelings would pass, hoping that I would come to like this place if I gave it more of a chance, but that just has not happened.

I try to think back to when I first moved to Seattle and what that adjustment was like, and yes it was an adjustment – it took some time for me to get used to that town.  But I knew going into that move that I was going to love Seattle.  I had been there before, I had checked it out, and I knew that it was going to be my kind of a town.  With my move to Columbus, Ohio before that I was less sure of that town, but over time I knew that I would be able to make it work.  And even if I could not, I had enough grad school work to keep me occupied.  And before Columbus, there was Concord, New Hampshire. And before Concord there was NYC.  And then there was that brief stint in the UK at Oxford.  And before NYC there was Oberlin, Ohio.  And before Oberlin…. well, you get the picture. I have moved a lot

I know what it takes for me to get comfortable in a place.  I also know that it takes me a really, really long time to get comfortable somewhere.  But I also know in my gut when a place is completely wrong for me — that horrible, miserable summer in Arizona, why I did not go to UCLA for grad school, and the reason why I just could not take that job in Virginia.  With Singapore I just did not know, and I really had no way of knowing.  We moved here without ever visting first.  And even if we had visited and I had had my doubts, I still probably would have said “okay, let’s give it a shot” because that is what you do when one of your partner’s dreams is to work overseas at some point in life.

My silence for seven months, my attempt at withholding judgement or at least not articulating my judgment, should be some indication that I have given Singapore a chance.  I am sure that some day in the future when I am far, far away from this tiny island I will look back on aspects of this adventure fondly.  Right now, however, I am just focused upon figuring out what will come next and how we will get there.

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About OneGoneTwo

bioethicist, cultural studies, literature, and visual cultural scholar, writer, and lover of design
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